Comfortable Red Sweatpants

Came across this today, from Meredith of Grey’s Anatomy fame:

“A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.”

My thing is, eventually the constant trying just leads to more trouble. When is it better to just let things run it’s course? Trying really is almost like gray matter…it’s like a big maybe. Life eventually needs to be either black or white to gain some semblance of sense. Maybe am just being bitter and having a bad day…but damn, am so sick of trying, wishing and hoping. I just want it to "be".

So here I am, sitting on the couch, watching "6-teen" (and mildly enjoying it…) and pouting like stupid. I didn’t have to know that Matt is getting married on the 16th of August. I was already bitter enough knowing that he is engaged and I had to friggin know this the first time I signed up for Facebook (ahh…the perils of the damn thing!). All I wanted was to catch Jason online today while I chill on the couch and chat. I didn’t need to know that Matt is happy somewhere out there. To be honest, I don’t really know why am mad about it…I mean, who cares really right? I mean, me and Jason are doing great and I love him to bits. But why am I sooo mad at the thought that Matt is happy? Maybe at the back of my mind, I secretly wish he was miserable…then maybe I would feel better. I guess that way, if he was miserable then all that drama that I had to go through would be somewhat vindicated…ugh. I hate being bitter…and it sucks that I still am.

I so want to enjoy my relationship with Jason…he makes me happy than anything else. I guess it doesnt help me at all that my birthday is coming up and all this confusion as to what the "gift" is, is getting me all confused and utterly braindead. Dammmmiiiiittt…why can’t it be any easier?

I want to just be happy…how hard can that be really?

The past two days at work have been the most hectic it has been at the Deli. I hate that we are so short staffed and so unorganized. I hate that despite the fact that Deli is the biggest revenue earning outlet in the F&B department, we get shafted and shoved under the carpet because we’re not the Poppy or the Fairview. I hate that I have no more energy nor sense of care to even find the means to motivate my attendants. How can I motivate them when I don’t even know where to draw the same for myself? If the past two days are signs of how the summer season will be, I think the scales are tipping to that of me deciding to go back to the city…decisions, decisions…

I guess sometimes when all else fails, all you have to do is scream…
I guess it is true sometimes, the grass does seem greener on the other side till you jump the fence and all it was is astroturf.
So here I am, yet again stuck in the madness of my own doing…should I stay or should I go…I think it’s pretty clear that all this running around I have been doing has only lead me all the more farther and farther away form who I am and for what I want to do with the rest of my life. This need to feel happy somewhere else has only led me to all the more unhappy and stuck in a place where people are far more interested of their own agendas and dramas.
So what to do now? Any ideas? If it involves any running away, leave me out of it. Til I find a better way out, am going to try not to sink to deep and fight all the more for breathing room.

It was the long weekend from hell and am glad to be off the mountain even for a day. My brain is totally fried and my body is just plain tired. I have an audit coming up which at the moment I couldn’t care about because am just plain drained out of my mind. Yes…such is the horror that I have put myself into from taking this job. I am just bitterly tired hence I have nothing but spite. Mind you, working at the Poppy is not entirely bad. I love interacting with most of our guests as they come from all over the world. I love how these people would come here and have a meal with us just to view Lake Louise. I enjoy seeing them marvel at the mountains and just be mesmerized by it.

Speaking of mesmerized, I have yet to be captured by Lake Louise’s breathtaking mountains. I don’t know why, but I guess since I work too much, I just couldn’t enjoy what my guests do. I have yet to take a moment and breathe in the spectacular view that I fortunately get to see everyday. Maybe it’s the City girl in me that makes me get jaded with all this scenery. To me, they’re just any other mountain or lake. I have to say, that’s just sad as Lake Louise is indeed marvelous, and yet with my busy work schedule and all it’s accompanying drama, I miss it all together. Anyways, am just ranting and I do hope to write something a tad more lighter and happier. Until I can get this work stress out of my system, am just going to be hoping for that day where I can actually find myself not wanting to leave the mountains and enjoy what it has to offer to me.

This day finally ended…today was my last day at Riverbend and at working for McDonald’s. I actually dreaded this day. I think mostly because it pretty much finalizes everything. Ty and Bryan were still hoping that I was going to change my mind. A part of me was wanting to stay as it’s always the easier choice, but then again, a good chunk of me was all for welcoming this unexpected opportunity and a chance for change. To some, they think I am running away from something that is apparently  good for me. I am walking away from a promotion and a good chance at a career at McDonald’s. But who are they to say I can’t make it at Fairmont?

I am officially scared and excited and just ready to go. I am really hoping I made the right decision. As Ty puts it, no regrets. I do feel a bit sad for leaving Bryan in a ditch but then again, somedays, you have to step up and think about yourself. Bryan is a big guy and he can handle it. I will miss the guy though…hahaha.

Overall, it has been an awesome 6 years. I worked at 4 different locations, moved my way up the ladder as much as I can go, been taken to concerts, trips to Vancouver and Jasper, met and worked with awesome and not so awesome people, been able to build friendships and basically gained a lot of memorable experiences. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, and will take them all with me as I start anew. It all began as just a means to gain "Canadian" work experience and what I have gained is so much more and for that I am always going to be thankful for.

Kristi, Court, Jason, Andrew, Carm, Heidi, Linda, Michelle, Amy, Ernest, Aisa, Jen, Harman, Mother Darshan, Augusto, Bryan, Ty and to everyone I’ve worked with, it has been quite the trip. Thanks for everything! Am a dork, but true enough, I did love it…bada bada ba…

Bada Bada Ba…I’m Leavin’ It…

After 6 years of working my way to almost the top, I am leaving McDonald’s to work at the Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise (www.fairmont.com). I am going to be a Poppy Brasserie Supervisor there and I am simply excited to go. I am welcoming the change as I want to see what I am capable of achieving aside from what I have already accomplished at McDonald’s. It has been quite a week, what with me going through three sets of interviews and just having to wait and see if they see me fit to work in their company.

I’ve never been so scared and excited as I am getting this new job. It’s going to be a whole new experience as I will be working at a very conservative, very posh resort. I am just hoping this will be a great opportunity for me to improve my personal and interpersonal skills as I am going to be dealing with people far different from those around me back at McDonald’s. I also am giving this whole living on my own bit, another shot as I am in a remote area, 2 hours away from Calgary. I am hoping not to get sick and stressed bad as I did back in Kamloops…

Anyways, am just glad I got it. As my old trusty Nugget box would say, "Change is Good." And again I say, it better be…

I loooved what I bought today for my Conference in Jasper next week. It’s sooo girly and cute…so not me…hahahaha! It’s a pantsuit set which I got for $49 bucks! Isn’t that a steal? Altogether, I was able to spend about $80 for something I can mix and match. I could’ve bought a black pantsuit set but it’s sooo not me. Hahaha…I figured, I can always buy black some other time. I mean, Summer is all about color and being all bright. I also got a nice shirt at RW & Co. for $19 bucks. I liked it because of the beadwork design. I would’ve probably spent more money on clothes but then again, I really don’t need lots. It’s just for the two days that we are there in Jasper. I have yet to buy a new pair of shoes to go with it though.

Shopping is soo much fun. I especially like it if am not rushed. HAHAHA. Well, Michelle and I close at work and we don’t really have time next week before we leave to do so, so we had to really go. I remember reading something in a book once…I think it was Elegance by Kathleen Tesaro about not shopping with friends. And after shopping with Michelle I think I kinda know what she means. I mean, it’s not bad shopping with Michelle, it was more of the whole "compete-y" aspect of shopping. I mean, I could’ve probably gotten more things at the other shops we went to if she didn’t feel the need to speed it along when she didn’t find things she liked. But I really didn’t mind. I’d rather shop with her than Katie…hahaha…Katie and shopping is a whole different ball of wax altogether. My feet surrenders to the thought of Katie and shopping. Michelle it’s the whole sneak and go. Hahaha…Kathleen probably has it right. Shopping by your lonesome is waay better and less stressful. HAHAHA!

On a different note, I closed at Riverbend and Justin drove me home. We ended up talking about aliens and religion and marriage. I tell you, guys no matter what size, color, creed and whathaveyou are almost always the same. I will never understand them…hahaha! I mean, what silly goose would postpone their honeymoon to play hockey? I don’t get that at all. Plus, apparently, marriage is a trial and error thing. I’m like, "Goooood luck, Justin’s fiancee…". I dunno…maybe somedays, am not as cynical about things as I claim to be. I can be so idealistic and so up in the air dreamy about certain things I almost want to retch.

Anyways, I have yet to get Jenny a present for her birthday tommorrow. I should probably go to bed and check out the mall before church tommorrow. Hmm…what to wear?

Am moving out…moving down to the South, Southeast Calgary that is. Starting Monday (or whatever day I start there next week), I will be working at the Riverbend location. This will be the 3rd store I’ve been working at since moving here in Calgary in 2004. To be honest, am looking forward to the change. I think this move will jolt me out of my zombie-like existence that I’ve been on for the last couple of months. Funny, I woke up today and was just in a weird mood. I silently asked to be grateful for something, anything. And true enough, I got to work and this weird vibe I was in followed me and no two hours later, Ty came in and talked to me and delivered the news that I have been half dreading and half anticipating for the past 4 days. Then after the chat with Ty, comes in the driving instructor that I wanted to get a hold of. Goodness…

I worked at Falconridge for a year and 14 days and I have to say, despite the drama and the headaches, I enjoyed myself there. I will, more than anything, miss the people there. I will surely miss my "boyfriend/girlfriend" Michelle and her mood swings and her odd way of watching my back. Despite her odd mood shifts, she did mean well. I will miss Mother Darshan who also kept an eye out for me. LINDDDAAAA! Maaan, I will miss Linda. She kept me from going insane. Add to the fact that I can always count on her for anything, be it a hearty laugh to get me out of my dark moods or just a shoulder to cry on when I get all pouty. Maan, add the fact that I won’t have any free Cinnzeo anymore! Crikey! Then there’s the swings and all their drama and crazy, slightly wicked, slightly hilarious and perverted ways.  Of course, not to forget, Augusto. He made me feel welcome at Falconridge and made me feel like I meant something to what’s going on in the store, which was awesome. Looking back to when I first moved stores, this move is harder for me. I actually liked learning and working at Falconridge despite my many protests at times. Sigh.

Well, I just hope for my part, this will be a fruitful move and that I can actually do something of value in Riverbend. I am hoping that am not way over my head with this one and that I can finally rise up to what I think I can accomplish. Other than, I just figured moving down South will finally force me to really push the whole driving thing. Am crossing my fingers indeed…

As for other things, finally decided to use my Best Buy gift certificate that I got as a a "Thank You" for welcoming Cindy Klassen last March and bought myself CD’s. I was in a shopping mood anyways too, so I picked up the 3 new ones: Live, Rascal Flatts (don’t go laughing, Anthony Ian Fajardo!) and P!nk. I have been wanting the Rascal Flatts CD and I figured it’s about time I got it since am not technically buying it.

Am just really hoping that I did the right thing. I always go by what the 10-piece Nugget box say, "Change is good." Am really hoping it is…damn it! It will be.

Whoa there! You have been working at an exceptionally fast pace lately — either physically, socially or mentally (probably all three to some extent). Now it’s time to slow the heck down. Refuse a few invites, take an actual lunch break and schedule some solo time. A downturn in your activities will be excellent for your wallet too — and building up your rainy day fund is crucial if you want to make the most of an upcoming travel opportunity!

Hmmm…interesting, but true. I have been quite the splurger for the past couple of weeks. Mostly what with eating out for fancy dinners with Michelle and Amy (all we need is a fourth and pretty soon, we’re like the Sex in the City girls…although as pointed to Michelle once, minus the "sex" part, which makes us just plain City girls…ahahahaha!), the Saturday night dance offs and occassional binging on the ultimate comfort food…Sweet Sour Pork and Fried Rice from the nearby Chinese food place at Falconridge.

And don’t get me started about work. I think I’ve been wanting to just not stay still that’s why my head, heart, body and probably soul even, are all over the place. My fear is, if I do sit still, I’d end up thinking about stuff. Stuff to deal with, to throw out, to decipher and to just basically put focus on. I don’t know why for some reason, I prefer this madness than the seeming possibility of sanity and peace that can be mine if I do take the time to be still for the next couple of days, weeks or months and rethink all my decisions, my choices, my goals (or lack thereof) and just reexamine what should I be doing and be prioritizing. Ugh.

Changes are happening around me lately and I dunno, it’s amazing for them. Graduating, having a family, getting married and such…it’s all happening for these people and that’s awesome. And yet, with all the good around them, I can’t help but think, where’s my piece of this good luck pie that everyone seems to be enjoying? Friggin’ I deserve one too, damn it!

Wait. Scratch that.

What did I do so special that I deserve my piece? I haven’t been the best person to be around with lately. I mean, yea, I work hard…sure, I’ve been at it for like 3 years now…I best know what I’m doing by now. Sure, I’ve been behaving quite nicely…relatively speaking, been paying my bills on time, not causing any major arguments, just minding my own beeswax. But for some reason, with this looming gray cloud I’ve been on for the last couple of months,  I dunno…do I deserve anything at all? I mean, if I can’t be grateful for things that I do have, what makes the cosmos want to give me what I want?

What do I want?

Goodness! I can’t even say anymore. I’m just at a total loss…it’s not even hilarious. This is just so frustrating.

Like last night, after being told that I did a couple of bloopers at work by Michelle and that everyone else knows about it, I friggin lost it.  I hate when people enjoy seeing you fail. But then again, are they really doing that or is my own stupid persecution complex kicking in again and allowing me to beat myself up without real cause to? Brr…

See, this is what happens when I sit still…

Think.

Think again.

Think some more.

Ask.

Think again.

Brr…hate the whole process.

But yea, as for my thing for the day, I guess I best stop the splurge for now so I can enjoy my time back home in December which I am totally looking forward to. Someone better take me to Boracay or any friggin beach coz 6 years without even so much of a whiff of the salt water and walking barefeet on sand is enough to drive this tropical girl crackers!

As for the rest of the s**t that I have to deal with…I’ll walk it off for now.

"singing to the Eraserheads’, "Huwag Kang Matakot"…sooooo old school…"