Comfortable Red Sweatpants

Blah.

For the past months now, that’s just really how I am feeling. Nothing spectacular, nothing exciting, not even angry anymore…just blah. It’s this nothing feeling that is eating me up slowly and just eats up whatever is left of me. I feign happiness, excitement and overall "sunshine-y" attitude to survive most my days.

Blah.

I want to start something, change something, friggin’ anything but I have no clue what. Ain’t that sad? It’s getting a tad repetitive all this so-called dramas and non-dramas in my life that I can just rip my hair out just to change it up a bit.

Blah.

Anyways, when is it all going to change? I dunno. I am hoping soon because, pretty soon I can’t keep up with the pretense anymore.

Blah…

Everything’s sunshine and roses for you and all you left me with is this empty shell called me. I want to just be angry at you for good and stomp you out of every memory I have. Maybe then, I can shake this Blah existence and come back to me, all whole and happy…till then, let the drama continue, and until then, let me just pretend to have already forgotten you.

*signing out and singing Josh Kelley’s Almost Honest…*

One side of your nature loves being on stage — having everything right out there for one and all to see. The other side of you equally adores secrets and intrigue, especially if there’s a bit of drama attached to keeping those things under wraps. You’ll need to make a decision right now, however, as to which side of yourself will handle the current situation. The outgoing, public side or the intense, personal side? Good luck.

Okay, that’s my horoscope reading from Friendster today. Interesting as always. My head is still spinning from the night out last Saturday. I think it’s not advisable to do a closing shift on Friday, then come to work at 9 am on a Saturday and proceed to go out at night. I was tired and the little drinks I had all went to my head faster than they normally would. I came in to work yesterday, thankful that all I had to take care of was my crew schedules and the employee filing.

Speaking of secrets, all thanks to my easily detectable embarrassment, Michelle knows I have a thing for Nick. Nick’s  the guy I was dancing with quite nicely during our company Christmas party and was trading barbs with during Roba’s shindig. I wanted that little fact just quiet but then again, this whole, Michelle and everyone else (when Michelle knows, everyone ends up knowing!) knowing could be a good thing. Although, I think the reverse holds true too. So as Pam would put it, tread lightly.

As for other things, I’m just happy to have hung out with Jen and Eric and Heidi last Saturday. We had a blast. Me and Heidi even got free limousine packages to My Apartment’s Ladies Night. Hehehehe…Mostly, aside from the dancing the night away part of the evening, I enjoy the eating part. Hehehe…chicken wings before dancing at Bubblemania and then chicken noodle soup at Tim Horton’s…the best. Hehehe…too bad the chicken noodle soup didnt do much for my semi-drunken state. Oh well…even the Chamomile tea didn’t help either. I guess it’s back to the tried and tested Gatorade binge after drinking then. Hahaha…

Decisions to make? Drama or secrecy…hmmm…tricky. Apparently I like both. Hahaha…my head is still spinning. I’ll wager all, Alex and take Drama and Secrecy for a $1000. HAHAHAAHA!

* walking away from the computer singing, Yesterday’s Feelings by Trapt…

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. — "stole" it from Maan’s blog

Okay, so yea. We always hear about such things and all that "roses-in-the-sky" mantras that Life coaches and "happy-days-are-here" gurus spew out. But my question is, how do you start? Where do you start? What do you start to do differently to be all Carpe-diem-ish? I know happiness and all that jazz is a choice. But what happens when you are too hard headed and maybe just a tad cynical already that to make that choice is not even an option? What then? You can’t force feed happiness to people. And yet at the same time, I think I’m up for a really good jolt of the jollies. Because, to be honest, I don’t think all this "non-happy-shiny-people" attitude will get me anywhere…plus, I’m really due for something specatcular and mind-blowing…I’m done with the mundane and the ordinary.

I think I deserve it.

Are you ugly?
A liar like me?
A user, a lost soul?
Someone you don’t know
Money it’s no cure
A Sickness so pure
Are you like me?
Are you ugly?

We are dirt, we are alone
You know we are far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid
You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone
You know we are far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me?
Are you ugly?

Turn a blind eye…

Why do I deny?
Medicate me
So I die Happy
A strain of cancer
Chokes the answers
Are you like me?
A liar like me?

I don’t care, you don’t care
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, just like me
I blame you, you blame me
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, like me

Are you Ugly?

Ugly — The Exies

"I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved." — from Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes

Thanks to Cel, I have picked up Paulo Coelho’s novel entitled "Eleven Minutes". I have to say, it was a good read. It took me three nights to finish it, mostly because I was reading it before going to bed. Last night I just can’t put it down no more, even if I was still reeling from lack of sleep for the past couple of days. But I digress…

Anyways, it was quite the book I have to say. I was initially a bit hesistant to pick it up from Cole’s mostly because the subject matter was something I never really took interest in. I am more prone to picking up books with clever and witty punchlines in them, like the Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella or the works of Helen Fielding. I took a look at the back pages of the book and read the blurbs and it said, "Sensual…(an) adults-only fairy tale". And I’m like, what am I getting into? Then I continued to read the mini-synopsis it had at the bottom and it seemed intriguing. So, needless to say, I forked out my hard earned moolah and bought myself a copy.

"Eleven Minutes" is the story of a Brazilian girl named  Maria. Growing up, she sought for love and never really finding it either because she was too young or mistook it for something else, she resigned to the fact that she’d never find it. She ended up embarking in this dark journey in Switzerland and meeting up with a painter who would show her that love isn’t about suffering and pain, and that sex is not solely a physical connection meant to satisfy one’s desires but a sacred connection between two people in love.

It is a far cry from my normal reading fare. I mean, I don’t think Bridget Jones had such a dark side (although I think her binge-eating and desire for v.bad men, a.k.a. Daniel Cleaver, can be her dark side.) I mean Maria isn’t like the cooky and crazy characters I’ve read in the past. She’s very strong willed and adventurous and yet vulnerable at the same time. She allowed herself to go through such extremes only to find herself and know what she wants out of her life. The excerpt I quoted above is one that stuck with me even after finishing the book. I mean, the book ended splendidly (with references to Casablanca nonetheless!) with her finding what she was looking for…love. And yet, what stuck to me was the whole idea of her of being two different people. It was true though. She was two women. She wanted adventure and yet inside her, when the night is over, she wants normalcy. It’s like this constant struggle between the two identities. In the end, I don’t think she’d end up knowing what she wanted and learning the things she did if she let one of the identities slip through the cracks.

Maybe we are all a bit schizophrenic in real life. We are all in constant struggle of who we want to be, in the hopes of acheiving what we want out of life. Sometimes, it’ll  takes us to places we’ve never even dare go, meet people we’ve never give a second glance to on a "normal" given day, and maybe experience a whole different view of the world without even meaning to. In the end, it’s a matter really of choice. Maria realizing how pointless her life was by equating love with suffering and pain, decided  that, "Life is to short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly."

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book. Thanks again to Cel for recommending it. Maybe it is true, it’s about time I started reading more books like these and get my head of reading books that can be deemed somehow shallow and cheap-thrill. But see, like Maria, I am two women. One who wants to be swept off my feet, be taken to pink clouds and enjoy every thrill that life has to offer. The other one wants stability and consistency, a no-surprise routine life that ends with the comfortable knowledge that life is all about the silent small details, that I don’t need to sully the world with my noise.

I am at a loss still…in a search stil,l I suppose, for what will make this world, this notion of love tick. And until then, I am two women. Which one I let decide my fate, I’m still unsure.

‘Til then…

If anyone is innately self-confident, it’s you. Still, you’ve had the urge to make some physical changes on and off lately, and it’s back again in full force. Well, what’s the holdup? You know where you are and where you want to be. That’s the first step and the last. All you have to do now is fill in the middle and you’re on your way. It may be easier said than done, but think of how proud you’ll feel.

Anyways, that’s what my horoscope said today. Hahaha…I honestly don’t think another hair cut or extreme makeover will do me any good. Cel misses my hair. I miss my hair. I mean, I do like the short hair. I actually can get ready for work in less than 20 minutes. Hehehehe…but then there’s the, "How do I look all girly now?" Anyways, I wonder what else I can do really…I mean, no amount of physical change will ever compensate for how one feels inside right? Or maybe I’m just being a tad cynical about it…I mean, some girls get all confident by getting boobs the size of watermelons (and no…I’m not getting a boob job…ouch. I’m fine the way I am…thank you very much!) But I dunno, maybe I am in need of a makeover of sorts (must dial TLC now…hahahahhaa!)

Enuff about makeovers…

Was talking with my girls (Pam and Cel) today and I seriously want to hurt the evil bastards that fired Cel for being pregnant. People can be so cheap and sneaky that it’s nauseating. So to anyone who lives in the San Francisco area, don’t deal with people from Elephant Pharmacy. They are inconsiderate and malicious and just downright evil.

That’s my public service announcement for the day I suppose.

I’m off to get my clothes in the dryer now. I’m leaving you all with me singing Fantasia’s Ain’t Gon’ Beg You. Peace out!

I survived Monday!

Anyways, I went to Music World and HMV and went looking for the new Fallout Boy CD. I ended up getting the self-titled debut album of Audioslave ( I bought their sophomore album first…hehehe…) and My Chemical Romance along with the much coveted Fallout Boy CD. What can I say, I was in the mood to splurge. Plus, they were on sale…you can never really say no to a sale. So yea, while browsing through the racks, I was hoping to see if they still carried Soundgarden. I mean, I figured, most of these stores still sell stuff by Nirvana and Pearl Jam, I figured they’d have it. True enough, I was wrong. Oh well, I guess I was just a decade tad too late to get in touch with my Grunge-goddess self (yes, it’s the spikey hair talking…).

Speaking of music, Pam says she misses my Pop-loving self. I have been telling her how I have been listening to rock music lately (see, I really think it’s the hair talking…it has a Body Snatchers feel to it…hahaha). I am surprised as to how I am liking some of the things that  my Launchcast has been playing. I almost picked up a Trapt CD earlier but then I figured I can do that some other day. Audioslave is slowly becoming a favorite. I listened to Disturbed and Mudvayne a couple of days ago…it’s actually quite good. I think Charlene is rubbing off on me. I do still think I’m way far from liking all of her stuff. Korn and Nine Inch Nails and such is an acquired taste I suppose. But just to reassure Pam, dude, I still belt out to Kelly Clarkson (sidebar: loooove the song Beautiful Disaster…) and get this, Fantasia! So don’t throw my Pop Princess sash just yet!

So yea, Ipod…people are all about the Ipod now. Ugh…someone just shoot the next nano carrying yuppie for my sanity’s sake. I mean, true, those things are kind of cool. Why won’t it be? You get to pirate a jillion of tracks and load it up and you can listen to them the whole entire day long. See, my glitch with the whole Ipod idea is, what about the corporate man who makes a living making CD’s and all that jazz? What about the poor business man who feeds off CD sales and such? And one more thing…who friggin’ needs to rifle through a jillion of tracks to listen to while on the bus ( I figure everyone is on the C-train now with what gas prices being so high and all…) ?  And there’s the whole artist thing. I think people who write songs and make music are supposed to get what they worked their asses for. True, they don’t deserve a million dollars for all their hardwork ( who’s the bright one who pays Ciara and 50-cent and Masari, money to make a CD? Again, next on my list of people to beat up in an alley…), but then again, they do deserve some credit. So yea…I’m all for the portability of the Ipod. I’m all for being able to carry the whole contents of my computer on this tiny little thing. I’m all for people sharing their mutual love for Coffeehouse standards and boybands…share on. But, but…you’ll never see me with one. I’d stick to my "skipping, one CD playing, ragged and almost ready to die on me" Discman. I just like it that way. Sentimental? Maybe.

OK…bopping my head to The Used’s Blue and Yellow as I say "G’night y’alls!"

Okkkaaay…so I may have cut my hair a tad too short for comfort. Instead of meduim length hair, I now have spikes. Ate Ann, my hairdresser, was quite hesistant at first to do my hair that short. She even asked me a couple of times if I really am sure about getting it cut waay short. For some reason, I was really wanting to do something drastic and I was adamant to just get it done. I also put some red highlights on it, which I actually like. I took a picture of myself and sent it to Pam, Cel and Anthony and for the most part, all of them are taken aback at how short my hair is. I don’t know whether to be scared or just hide my head inside a paper bag for the rest of the fall and winter season.

To be honest, I like my new do. I think I’m just a bit taken aback too at how short it is right now. Plus the initial reactions I’ve been getting are quite sketchy. So I dunno…at the end of the day, it’s just hair. It’ll grow back eventually…if anything, winter’s coming, I can always buy lots of toque this year.

Heee hee…was talking to Pam and Cel over MSN earlier. It has become almost a ritual between the 3 of us to talk on MSN now. We talk about the most mundane things sometimes that it just cracks me up. I do miss those crazy chicks…

Anyways, Jose Mari Miguel Luis is the name of my 3rd year High School egg. We had this project in school for Grammar class and she made us babysit a raw egg for a week. We would document all the goings-on for like a week, we even got penalized 5 points off the final mark if the egg got lost, stolen or *gasp* broken. She had this big "pretend it’s like your child" thing. It was a strange project to say the least. I remember, someone from class put the egg in a Thermos container with rice grains in it. My Grammar teacher was furious. "Would you put your child in a Thermos container?" To this day, the whole point of the project is lost on me, but it was quite fun nonetheless.

I got the name for my "child" from one of my crushes around that period. His name was Miguel. He was hot…hehehehe. My "child" wore glasses and even had a hat. I think Mutya gave me this crocheted little thing a year before the project and it just fit the "child" perfectly. My Grammer teacher gave me good marks for the journal I made but she admitted to having difficulty marking my stuff because I didn’t do a daily journal. Rather, always wanting to be different, I decided to make a journal accounting my "child’s" life through the years. Imagine, my "child" graduated from Ateneo a valedictorian? Hahahahahahah! I also said that he got accepted in USC or something. I was high off sniffing glue probably. And that he had a girlfriend named Natasha Colette and to quote myself from eons ago, "Luigi likes to call her TaCo." Maaan, I think I was high on something in High School! But yea, I really enjoyed putting the whole thing together. I even have pictures! I think I have the whole project stashed somewhere in my memory box under my bed. One of the few things I kept from high school. Ahh yes…high school…memories.

Jose Mari Miguel Luis…I still like that name. I should keep it. It just has that certain bling to it.

Nothing beats the Friday blues than talking to good friends and reminiscing about high school projects…lol!

You’re ready to stop trying to convince the world that you’re unique, unusual, and decisive. You may even be ready to choose a partner in crime who’s just as entertaining and fiery as you are. Finally. The thing is that the disappointment you’ll feel about counting on someone who made you believe you’d be spending a lot more time together will be fierce. Oh, well. You’re a lion. You’ll get over it, and a happy ending is right around the corner, anyway.

Ok, that’s my forecast for today. I’m not a fervent believer in horoscopes but lately, I have a feeling that the stars and the heavens and whatever else is involved in this hoopla is wanting to tell me something. But I do admit, the last couple of sentences is pretty encouraging. It’s been a tough couple of weeks but it’s nice to at least feel that things may start to look up. I mean, I have no other guy lined up or anything, but at least I’m wanting to just be social. I think I’m just ready to not be holed up in the house anymore.

Anyways, I am meeting up with Jenny and Aisa later at Marlborough to get signed up to the gym. I dunno, I figure it’s one way for me to get out of the house more. My brother has a home gym thing set-up here but I think it’s more fun to be with other people as opposed to just being holed up in the basement. Exercise is best done with others I figure.

As for other things, nothing much really. I cleaned out my closet. I put away my summer clothes and took out my sweaters out of the bins. The weather is starting to get chilly and I don’t think halter tops are the right outfits for the fall weather. I did my laundry. I need a new bedsheets. Maybe a pink or light blue set would be nice. Maybe I should do I little reno in my room. Get some nice posters or something to just jazz up my room. Change is good right?

Well, alls I say is, as a final note…when everything is said and done, it is and will always be his loss. He maybe cute and just adorable to me and I will miss him, but at the end of it all, he missed out on me. I have lots to offer and he was just impatient and stupid to let it all go. So yea, like the fierce lioness that I am, today, I say, "F**k him! I am cooky, crazy at times, but overall lovely and wonderful. I don’t need him to make me feel good about myself or my world. Welcome back, Monica!"

Ready to roar again…